Food as symbolism
Katherine turned back to the stove and added more salt to the chicken noodle soup on the stove. The apple timer buzzed. She stepped back off the stool and pulled twelve perfectly browned rolls out of the oven. She put two hot rolls on the tray next to the lavender she had picked before the clouds that had threatened earlier in the day finally opened up to drench the garden. She filled the large blue and white rose bowl with the hot soup and added it to the tray. Carefully and slowly she picked up the tray and carried it into the room where her mother lay.
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2 comments:
She put two hot rolls on the tray next to the lavender she had picked before the clouds that had threatened earlier in the day finally opened up to drench the garden.
You know, I'm all for elaborate, interesting sentences, but I think this one was a bit too forced. It's maybe okay by itself, but if an entire story sounded like that, the reader's head might actually explode. I realize I'm the kettle calling the pot on his cell phone. I usually write in a manner akin to my speaking style, which is somewhat comparable to a water faucet that you've accidentally turned too far and is now splashing you head to toe. See? Cute, but way wordy.
Maybe you should have prefaced the paragraph with the scope of the exercise. Is this the one that has to be 7 sentences (or less)-- the one Houdini was talking about a few weeks back?
This is contructive criticism, so take it the right way. I could have just put that I liked it...which I did. :)
Most of the exercises are supposed to be written without stop and no going back to change things. This one in particular was about how food can set a mood or feeling. I tend to be less wordy usually and actually you're right in this particular case where I'm writing from the girl's perspective she may or may not have thought this way. Hmmm. Food for thought.
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